Passing one month...

The cravings have, for the most part, stopped. When they do show up, they're far more docile beasts that are easily vanquished. However, I'm now living with this huge, voracious monster. It follows me around religiously and I can almost always smell it's fetid breath and hear it's labored movements. It's become massive and terrifying. It's my appetite.

I've started exercising pretty regularly again. At least four times per week for at least half an hour. I'm proud of that. But it's not helping my appetite. At first I started losing the weight I've gained since quitting smoking, and I was jubilant. Then the appetite began to grow in relation to the exercise so that I'm back where I started again.

Stress doesn't help. It seems like every time I try to take on a life challenge, like quitting or dieting, that's when life becomes the most difficult and challenging all on its own. I've GOT to figure out something that works for me to reduce stress and relax that doesn't involve my big fat mouth.

Ferme ma bouche.

No alcohol. No smoking. No food. Not even healthy food. This has become a problem all on its own. I have got to change the way I think about food. Not just replace my oral fixation with healthy snacking. It's the oral fixation that has got to go. I'm even seriously considering further emptying my already meager pockets on a cognitive psychologist. I fear it may take some professional help to re-structure my thinking process.

But for now, I'm going to try to do it on my own. I'm going to stop snacking altogether. I don't want to be chained to this addictive oral thing forever. Even though healthy snacks won't bust my waistline, they're not going to help me get over the root of the entire problem: my mouth.

I have officially declared war on my mouth and it's irrational desires. I'm going to try starving it. Unless I need to eat or drink for sustenance, it's not getting fed- at all.

Hopefully the monster will shrink in time and stop harassing me. It's really quite unattractive.

Three Weeks...

Apparently, in smoking cessation, there is a well-used term: the icky-threes. The worst points in quitting are 3 days, 3 weeks, and 3 months. I didn't think much of it until I got to this point and started having different and new problems. I'm more emotional. I have joint pain, and now, all of a sudden, I have trouble sleeping through the night without waking. Then I thought about it. I'm at the second "three". My third day was also my worst, so maybe there really is something to it. If so, there should be some sort of involved study of the whole phenomenon.

We're talking really smart scientist-types. If I were a trained research psychologist or neuro-scientist, I would SO be all over it. I have a feeling there's a Nobel lurking in this mess.

Alas, I am neither of those things and must stick to suffering through the mystery rather than profiting from it. **sigh**

Fifteen Days...

Last night was better than expected, but still not as good as hoped. I managed not to graze our house into famine, but I did make a much larger dinner than usual, and couldn't keep my paws out of the dishes while they were cooking. I officially became ashamed of myself when I realized I had been eaten slightly raw potatoes just because they looked really good and I was impatient.

I fear for my marriage at this rate. My poor husband and his raw potato-eating wife. It was almost a new low.

Eventually I will figure this thing out. I didn't manage to get to the store last night, so I'm blaming that. I have this fantastic list filled with waistline-friendly munching foods. Things like grapes and raspberries for freezing and carrots for crunching.

I did have two glasses of wine. But I didn't feel bad about that. I actually savored it- I purchased it on my recent trip to Paso Robles wine country- rather than kind of sucking it down absentmindedly.

So... Slow progress. But progress nonetheless.

Two Weeks

It's been two weeks, now. There are good days and bad days with the smoking. There are only bad days for the eating. I thought I could do it, but I've managed to gain 10 pounds. I have got to figure something out before I end up looking like the stay-puft marshmallow and have to be crane-lifted out of my house in the mornings.

Today is officially my first day really trying to tackle the food thing. I was giving myself a little slack because the smoking was the main addiction with more difficult withdrawals, but no more. Now that I've gotten the worst of it under control, there is no excuse to continue to stuff my face with whatever sounds yummy. No more cupcakes.

Day Three

Better than yesterday. And the day before. True, I did snack on candy, but I didn't eat the whole bag. I had a serving and a half. So... not bad.

Then I had 3 light beers. Also... not bad.

At this point, I'll definitely take "not bad" or "okay" as a HUGE step in the right direction. Especially considering the starting point of "awful" and "terrible" and "dismally depressing."

But. Now on to my first weekend and day four. I got a great idea from my quitbuddy, Marty. I'm going to keep my quitting forum open on my computer and venture back outside. When I start to feel depressed or get a craving, I'll open up my forum and get inspired all over again. His thought is that it will eventually lead me to connect being outside with gaining my freedom. It was brilliant.

So, wish me luck on getting my favorite pastimes back- being outside, reading, and connecting with others.