Yesterday was even worse than my first day. I was kind of pissed off about that, actually. Isn't this supposed to get easier rather than harder? At least I didn't end up consuming everything even remotely snack-like in the house. I had a few sunflower seeds.
Oh. And, like, an entire bottle of wine.
I swear. I need to get the hang of this before I become either a major drunk or balloon back up to my high school weight. There has GOT to be a middle ground, right? Round three tonight. I'll let you know how it goes. My willpower only has so much battery life, so I need to figure this out fast. The alternative? Resuming both my overeating and my smoking habit.
I had my first bout of depression associated with quitting smoking last night as well. I read that it was likely to happen, but I didn't expect it to happen to me. I expected to get irritable. Angry. Sleepy. Hungry. But not sad.
It hit me around 7:30 or so. I was thinking about how much I love to read outside at night, curled up in a cozy blanket, with a glass of wine and a few cigarettes. I got incredibly sad- almost like I was grieving. The thoughts were junkie thoughts, I know- mis-associating things you love to the bad habit so that your brain (in its withdrawal) can trick you into thinking you HAVE to smoke/drink/bump in order to enjoy those moments again. I'm irrationally thinking that I'll never be able to enjoy a good book again. I know it's irrational. I know it's ridiculous, even. But I can't stop. I'm sincerely hoping thoughts like that go away soon because it's making me melancholy and prone to self-pity. I detest both melancholia and self-pity. In me and others. So, if it doesn't quit I'll have to add self-hatred to the list.
I swear it feels like this never ends.
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