Day One

Hi, my name is Vanessa, and I have... a couple of problems.

I think my basic problem is that I apparently have an all-around addictive personality. Thank God I have a great family and friends, otherwise I could have ended up in a far more horrible place. But I am or have been at some point addicted to a large variety of things. Shopping. Smoking. Drinking. Work. Junk food. Sweet food. All food. No food. Cutting. Fingernail biting. Chocolate. Teeth-grinding. Internet gambling. Pencil-chewing. Pen-chewing. Cuticle-chewing.

And so on. And so forth.

Luckily, I've managed to kick almost all of my bad habits/addictions over the years, but a couple have stuck around. But I've come to one of those points where I find it ridiculous that I'm still doing them. So here it goes.

When I started dating my husband, I quit smoking. Well... sorta. At first I cut waaaaayyyy back. Then I switched to clove cigarettes, which, for whatever reason, cut my cravings down by quite a bit (and didn't gross my husband out.) Eventually, I cut down to a few in the evenings only, usually when I'm hanging out with my husband or friends or enjoying a glass of wine. Then, the FDA announced the ban on flavored cigarettes. It was the perfect opportunity. I bought a small stock and settled in with the end in sight.

That end came the night before last. Last night was my first smoke-free evening. My second is fast approaching. It's hard. Harder than I thought it would be, considering the fact that I'm barely a smoker these days. I didn't smoke for at least 20 hours at a time every day. But it's still hard.

I did all kinds of things to keep me occupied. Including snacking.

Which brings me to my other problem- food. I have never had a healthy relationship with food. Ever. My family was always on a diet, so I basically learned that food was the enemy. I was a chubby kid. Then a very large teenager. Finally, at around 20, I got a grip. I lost over 100 pounds. I met my future husband. We got married. I slowly started gaining it back.

Now I'm at that "damnit!" point. That point where I'm pissed I've gained back almost half of what I spent so much time, effort, and sacrifice to lose. I've had it.

I've decided I'm keeping only one vice- my love of (and sometimes overindulgence in) good beer and good wine. The other two remaining ones have to go.

I'm putting out my cigarette in that cupcake. And then turning my back on both.