And in the beginning...

So.  I'm officially back on my own wagon.  Not anyone else's wagon.  Not a vague, general wagon.  MY wagon.  I imagine it as totally pimped out.  And blue.  With lots of sparkles.  And puppies.

I had every intention of getting up early this morning so I could work out.  But we didn't get much sleep Saturday night.  So the pure exhaustion in my body took nearly beat the life out of my alarm when it went off.  I decided to give myself a break.  I slept in.

I was doing really well having my workout in the afternoons, but I also wasn't doing much cooking.  And since we're now broke and both trying to watch what we eat, not cooking is not an option.  So back to the mornings.  Hopefully it works out.

Today I've given myself about 850 calories in food.  I realize that's not enough on a regular basis, but I need to shrink my stomach and appetite back down to a manageable level, and this has always worked best for me.  One or two days of minimal calories.  It's uncomfortable and makes me cranky, but it makes the rest of my diet much easier to handle.

Tonight I'm making rosemary bacon tri-bean soup.  It will be delicious.  And only about 350 calories per serving.

Nom nom.

One. More. Time.

I can't do this anymore.  I have picked myself up, dusted myself off, and hopped back on the horse/wagon/firetruck more times than I care to admit.  Even to myself.

I'm tired.

I'll be a year smoke-free in 10 days.  I read that and I can't even believe it.  I have a friend from high school who is quitting and uses Facebook as a source of support.  I read her posts and cringe.  I remember those feelings.  Depression, grief (yes, grief), anger, hostility, hopelessness.  It's awful.  I remember it like it was just a couple of weeks ago.  So how has a year managed to go by?

I'm so proud of my quit.  If it were an actual, physical thing, it would be tattered and wet from all the love I would bestow upon it. 

But. 

Why is there a "but"?  I don't even know.  I just feel like there's a huge gaping hole.  I won't fill it with smoking, but I sure as heck have been trying to fill it with just about anything else.  I feel like a vacuum- both the machine (hello chips!  hello hamburger!  nice to see you again, wine!) and the scientific term for the absence of matter.

Poignant.  I am the absence of matter.

Oh well.  Here's to dusting off and picking up.  one.  more.  time.

The Healthy Binge?

I've mentioned it countless times before, but I'll go ahead and reiterate: I am an addict.  The only thing that changes is what my current addiction is.  Luckily, I've managed to free myself from the most unhealthy versions and am currently stuck in a strange pseudo-binge-eating situation.  I still have this need to be full.  I know it's something rooted in my psychology, but I'm not quite ready to start shelling out cash to have someone help me.  I'm far more stubborn (and cheap) than that.  So I need to beat this thing by myself (and the help of a few good friends.)

So here we go.  Hello, my name is Vanessa, and I binge on fruits and vegetables.  Oh yes.  Those are the strangest words, and yet I find them fluttering around inside my cranium almost constantly.  "Is this really a bad thing?"  "Should we leave it alone so that our addiction doesn't turn to something worse?"  "Are voices in my head really a good thing?"

I wouldn't mind at all if I didn't eat normally the rest of the day.  So by the time I dig in for my carrot/celery/frozen fruit and yoghurt festival of scrumptiousness, I've already consumed the vast majority of my calories for the day.  In a healthy manner.  So my nighttime binges are adding a good 400 calories to that, which is making me gain weight (again.)

I need to go back to my origninal plan of not allowing myself to be addicted to anything, regardless of how healthy it is.  The only question that remains, then, is... how do you break the addiction to addiction?

Two steps forward...

I think we all know how that ends.  One step back.  And I have taken a giant step back.

My life involves tax season for three months out of every year.  Three months of 60 hour weeks.  Three months of irregular eating, sleeping, and exercising.  Three months of almost no time to relax.  It begins to wear you down, gobble you up, spit you out.  To add to it, I'm studying for the hardest part of my exams.  So on my one day per week off, I study.  Almost all day.  To add to that, we recently found out our beloved rat terrier has cancer.  Nasty cancer.  The kind furbabies don't generally recover from.  I'm devastated.  My diet has taken a back seat.  My fitness has taken a back seat.  My time to myself has taken a back seat.

I want to stop feeling guilty about slipping during such trying times, but I can't.  I would like to just be proud of the fact that I haven't started smoking again or drinking too much again.  But I can't.  I hate myself and am generally fed up with the fact that every time I try to get my sh*t in order, life creeps up and whallups me with a two-by-four.  Then puts me in a burlap sack.  Then ties me to the back of its rusty old Ford pickup and drags me down some old, rocky road.  Then abandons me out by some hillbilly shack with a mean-looking dog only haphazardly tied up outside.

I don't have time to cook like I like, and I don't feel like it even if I do.  All I want when I come home to my poor, stitched-up, cancer-riddled dog is to curl up with him and some comfort food and watch something mindless.  I hate myself for that, but there's really nothing I can do about it until I gather up my strength to face the mean-looking dog, knock out the hillbillies, steal their dusty blue Pinto, drive back to town, stop at the lumber yard for a four-by-four, confront life, and kick its ass.

Porterhouse Steak with glazed brussels sprouts

Don't make that face.  Brussels sprouts are given this awful reputation because, well, the simple fact is that no one knows how to cook them.  At least I've never met anyone who can cook them properly who isn't a chef.  So I'm on a mission to stop that face.  The face that nearly everyone makes at the mention of brussels sprouts.  How?  By explaining how to make them so that they are delicious.  SO delicious that whenever I make them, I seriously consider giving up all other vegetables.

Here we go.

My very favorite way to prepare brussels sprouts requires that they accompany a steak.  Any kind of steak will do.  Note, though, that I say STEAK.  Not "filet".  There is a difference.  The "cute filet" is actually part of a proper steak, not a steak itself.  The reason it can't be just the filet is that, for this rendition of amazing brussels sprouts, you need the strip of fat that runs along the outside of all steaks.  The filet is on the inside of the Porterhouse, so it does not have that strip of fat.

Moving along.  Turn your oven on to about 350 degrees.  Get out a nice big skillet- the biggest you've got.  The bigger, the better.  Spray a little non-stick cooking spray in there and turn on the heat.  While the pan is getting hot, rub salt and pepper all over the steak.  I like to use fresh-cracked pepper and crushed sea-salt.  Make sure to get the sides, too, not just the top and bottom.  Now, using either your fingers or a pair of tongs, hold the steak so that the fat strip is the only thing in the pan.  Hold it there for a good two minutes.  Most of the fat will render off into the pan.  Now sear each side of the steak until it is brown.  It should take about 30 seconds to a minute, depending on how big and how hot the pan is.  Now turn off the heat, put the steak in a baking dish, and pop it in the oven.

On to the featured item.  Turn the heat on again, but to low.  Using a dry white wine (if you're like me, you've already been sipping on some, knowing that the recipe requires it,) deglaze the pan.  For the deglazing itself, use about a half a cup.  You can add more white wine later if you need to.  This beautiful base is what you're going to cook your sprouts in.  Leave the heat on low while you prepare them.  Cut each sprout's "butt" off- the little protrusion at the bottom.  Then cut each one in half.  Disgard any leaves that fall off.  Place all of the sprouts in the pan so that the inside half is face down.  They will look like a bunch of little hills.  If you have more sprouts, just put them on top for now.  Turn the heat up to medium.


Mince some fresh garlic and thinly slice some red onion.  It doesn't matter how much- it's a taste thing.  If you like a lot of onion, add a lot of onion.  If you don't like onion at all, don't add any.  Same goes with the garlic.  Add them to the pan.


If you had too many sprouts to fit them all on the bottom, then start cycling some of the top sprouts so that they're on the bottom.  Do this often enough so that all of them get fairly equal time on the bottom.  If your liquid runs out, add a little more wine, but it should not cover the bottom layer- just enough so that it is about a half inch in the pan.  When it runs out again, do not add more- instead, add a drizzle of olive oil over the sprouts.  They'll start to hiss.  Toss the sprouts around in the oil so that they all get coated and get a little time at the bottom of the pan.  They'll start to get dark brown in places- that's okay.  Once all of them are al dente, remove from heat.


Check your steak.  In my experience, the brussels sprouts take just about the right amount of time for the steak to be perfectly cooked.  But you should check on it periodically just to be safe.  Poke it.  Yes.  Poke it.  There is NO other way to tell if a steak is perfectly done.  It's all about the poke.  It takes practice, but it's worth it.  Get acquainted with your protein.  Get to know what it feels like at different stages of doneness.  When it's rare, it gives a lot and feels kind of like the flesh at the base of your thumb when your hand is relaxed.  When it's medium rare (which is how beef should be eaten,) it will feel like that same flesh when your thumb is extended as far away from your index finger as you can get it.  When it's well done, it will feel like that flesh when you press your thumb into your other fingers and push (so that the muscle is flexed.)  But those are just approximations.  Like I said, it takes practice.  If it feels right, or a little less done than you'd like it, take it out.  Let it rest for 5-10 minutes.  Then serve with the brussels sprouts.  Sprinkle a little parsely and shaved parmesan over the plate.


I usually split steaks into two servings because, although delicious, a big ole' steak is really REALLY not good for you.  Especially if you eat red meat at other times during the week.

Anyway, hopefully you'll begin to enjoy brussels sprouts as much as I do.  They're incredibly nutritious and can really stand out on a plate- even overshadowing your protein- if made properly.


Love and yummy!

The Starting Line

Last night, Bryan and I enthusiastically packed our gym bags and set out our gym clothes.  This morning, we were to have our first "gym date."  Only... it didn't happen.  I need to re-train myself to wake up early.

But that's not the only problem, unfortunately.  With my extra quit-smoking-holiday-goodies poundage, I'm officially embarrased to go to the gym.  Usually I could care less, but these few extra pounds have made me extra self-conscious for whatever reason.  They are definitely NOT an excuse to not exercise, but I fear they may be enough to keep me at home for a couple of weeks.  Not that that is a terrible thing.  It just means I'll be running and doing yoga and boxing and step aerobics at home rather than where people can see me jiggle.

Our dinner tonight is going to include mushrooms.  I know that for sure.  Beyond that, I have a strange combination of ingredients and a few proteins defrosting, so what we actually end up eating depends on what's good and what's defrosted.  I'll post it tomorrow.

Dinner Parties

With my grandparents, brother, and aunt in town, I had the occasion to cook for a large(ish) party last night. I nearly killed myself doing it, but it ended up being a lot of fun and a great success. The food, though a little cold due to some miscommunication over time, was fantastic. The company was brilliant. The mood was jovial.

I served a first course of what I'm calling "Trilogy Thai Soup" for it's three major flavors: sour, sweet, and spicy. The main components are coconut, lime, ginger, chili, and shrimp. Here's the recipe for 8 people (for a first course) or 4 people (for a main course):

1 can coconut milk

1 can vegetable broth

1 and 1/2 cups cooked brown rice (about 3/4 cup raw)

One medium green bell pepper, diced

2/3 cup diced scallions

1 pound cooked shrimp- tail off

3 tbls lime juice

2 tbls turmeric

1-4 tbls sriracha sauce (Thai chili sauce- sometimes called rooster sauce)

2 tsp freshly grated ginger

1 tbls sweet Hungarian paprika

1 avocado

1/4 bunch of fresh cilantro (Chinese parsley)

Salt to taste

Start cooking rice ahead of time so that it's ready while you're making the soup (brown rice takes about 45 minutes to cook.) Make sure to add some salt to the water.

Put coconut milk, broth, ginger, lime juice, sriracha, and all spices into a pot and begin cooking over medium heat. When all components are well blended (when cold, they'll remain somewhat separate,) add bell pepper. After about 4 minutes, add shrimp. After 2 more minutes, add rice and increase heat to high. Stir frequently. Add scallions. Add all but a few sprigs of cilantro (for garnish) to the pot, after tearing them into smaller pieces (tearing, rather than cutting, releases more of cilantro's pungent flavors into the soup.) After another 2 minutes, turn off heat.

Ladle portions into bowls, making sure to ladle from the bottom of the pot, where all of the rice, shrimp, and peppers will be resting, and then also from the top, where the flavored broth and milk will be. For first courses, this will be about one medium ladle-full of each. Add a small mound of chopped avocado to the middle, where it will be supported by the rice and shrimp below. Add a sprig of cilantro to the top. Love and yummy!

In each (first course) serving, there is about: 300 calories, 19 grams of fat, 19 grams of protein, a quarter of the recommended vitamins B and C and half of the recommended vitamin D, along with about a quarter of all daily recommended minerals, including iron, but excepting calcium. It also includes one full serving of whole grains.

Since I doubt I'll be cooking tonight (I believe my good friend Bubbly and I will be each other's dinner company) I'll post the rest of the meal tomorrow if you want me to. Otherwise, we'll leave it at that!

Happy New Year!